ADHD brains love adrenaline. For some, this means trying sky diving and roller derby. For others, it means seeking out stress and drama, which are even tougher on the body. Meditation can counteract these stresses; here’s how to do it right.

BY KATE KELLY, PEGGY RAMUNDO, B.S., A.C.T., SCAC

If you come to us as a coaching client, we will mention the “M” word to you.

Meditation, that is. Most people with ADHD we encounter seem to be allergic to the word. So were we, until we had calmed down, with the aid of medication and other self-care techniques. If you have spent a lifetime with a pinball machine in your brain, it is hard to imagine yourself peacefully sitting in the lotus position.

The big secret, which nobody seems to clue those with ADHD in on, is that you don’t have to sit in the lotus position at all… you don’t even have to sit down to meditate or (thank God!) stop moving. You don’t need a mantra, a guru, or notes from your trek to India to do the meditation thing correctly.

How to meditate effectively is easy, since it’s not possible to fail at meditation. It is astonishing how many of our clients have told us that they tried meditation and found it frustrating. These clients thought that if there was a lot of activity going on in their brains, they were not doing it right. In fact, everybody has a lot of stuff going on in their brain most of the time. Buddhists refer to it as “monkey chatter.”

We believe that meditation is critical for individuals with ADHD. We pick up some habits in compensating for ADHD that serve us poorly in the long run. One of the worst is the habit of running on adrenaline. This is how it begins: Early on, we discover that excitement wakes up our sleepy brains. We then, without conscious thought or choice, arrange our lives in such a way as to keep some crisis happening on a regular basis. We scare ourselves (by waiting until the last minute to do something), we create excitement. We are hooked on drama and having lots of things to do — and we beat ourselves up over nothing. Why? Because it is stimulating.

[The ADDitude Guide to Alternative ADHD Treatment]

Why We Must Slow Down

Those with ADHD can become hooked on adrenaline. But waking up our sluggish frontal lobes with an injection of stress has consequences for the body. When we are stressed, adrenal hormones raise our heart rate, blood pressure, and blood sugar. They also dampen the immune system. The adrenaline junkie is, in effect, paying for focus at high interest rates. Yes, you get a few hours of higher performance, but you pay for those hours in stress on your brain and body.

It is possible for children and adults with ADHD to have a peaceful, still mind. We have been in that pleasant place called peaceful, and we like spending as much of our time there as we can. We promise that you can go there, too. Here is your road map and tools for the journey.

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How Can Meditation Help with ADHD?

To meditate effectively with a racing brain, follow these steps:

1) Repeat to yourself a thousand times (or as often as necessary): “Meditation is a practice. I intend to enjoy and learn from the experience. There are no wrong ways to do it, and I will refrain from grading myself.”

2) Get comfortable. Many meditation books and teachers warn you to avoid getting too comfortable, because you might fall asleep. Our thought is that if you fall asleep, you probably need to sleep. If you got relaxed enough to fall asleep… terrific! If you are concerned that you will sleep the day away and miss work, set an alarm.

3) Find your own comfort zone. Getting comfortable for you might involve standing on your head or lying in your bed — you are the best judge of what works for you. No meditator needs the additional distraction of physical discomfort.

[9 Days to a Less Stressed You]

4) Take slow, even breaths. Don’t worry if you begin in out-of-breath mode. As you relax, your breathing will slow naturally.

5) If you are in full, high-speed adrenaline mode, you won’t be able to stop on a dime, change gears, and get into meditation mode. When you have calmed your system through meditation and a meditative approach to life, going to a deep state of relaxation will not be such a major transition. In the meantime, take time to settle down before you meditate. A hot bath might do the trick, or listening to soothing music. Set a timer for a wind-down ritual. Put your planner and your “to do” list away; get into comfortable clothing.

6) Use sensory cues to move from one mental state to another. You might wear a special hat, sit in a special chair, or play certain kinds of music to make your transition to meditation.

7) Choose a focus for yourself, something to listen to or watch while you meditate. Some people pay attention to their breathing, while others repeat a word or phrase in their minds. You can make it up. One of our favorites is “let go.” You can also use a visual focus, such as a candle flame.

With ADHD, some of us are more visually distractible, others are more distracted by sounds. Find out what works best for you.

8) You can also use music as your focus. Steven Halpern’s music is especially good for meditation. We recommend that any music you choose be instrumental — it is too easy for you to get caught up in lyrics.

9) Don’t “should” yourself. Some do fine sitting or lying down, but many of us get unbearably restless when we are required to be still for any length of time. Don’t “should” all over yourself if you have a higher need for activity than someone else. Instead, work with it.

10) Moving meditation is as good as the sitting variety. It is a better choice for the active individual with ADHD. You don’t need the additional distraction of an antsy body when your goal is to calm the mind. We recommend that the activity you choose for meditation be something simple and repetitive, like walking.

11) It’s time to meditate. The thoughts in your head may still be clamoring for your attention. What do you do? When you notice your attention drifting toward that thought salad, gently disengage your attention and bring your mind back to your focus. At first, and especially on those bad brain days, you will repeat this process a lot.

12) Stick with it. Meditation will get easier as you go along. The key to success is to take it in small bites. Meditate for five minutes a few times a day. As you become more comfortable doing it, you will want to increase the length of your sessions because they have become so enjoyable. And soon you will begin to see meditation’s benefits.

13) When you have gotten into the meditation groove, you can attain a state of deep relaxation more quickly. Sometimes a few deep breaths will do the trick. When the workplace or a social situation is getting you into a tizzy, you can retire to an empty conference room or the men’s or women’s room and “take five” to get centered.

14) Remind yourself why you are meditating. It is not to clear your mind, but to step back from the noise, to put your attention on your chosen focus.

15) You may need to medicate before you meditate. The right dose of stimulant medicine can turn the brain noise down to acceptable levels.

16) Make it a routine. Yes, but don’t those of us with ADHD have trouble sticking with a routine? There are ways around it. Get an ADHD coach to keep you on track. A good coach will help you achieve your goals without blaming you if you fall short.

Accountability is not about guilt or failure. It is about not letting the goal drop, working to accomplish it, and celebrating little victories as well as big ones. If you forget to practice meditation for days, or even weeks, you can get back on the horse at a better time. That’s what we did.

[Free Download: Mindful Meditation for ADHD]

“I’m Way Too Hard on Myself”

EMOTIONS & SHAME

“I’m Way Too Hard on Myself”

You judge yourself too harshly, and that causes real physical and emotional pain. Silence that inner critic — instead of dwelling on your perceived shortcomings, try these four uplifting ways to acknowledge your own worth.

BY PATRICIA QUINN, M.D.

A woman with ADHD, looking at the window and thinking, "I'm way too hard on myself"

We adults with ADHD are good at beating ourselves up and being way too hard on ourselves. We are more forgiving and understanding of our friends’ belly flops than we are of our own. Gabor Maté, a physician and author of Scattered Minds, writes about the harsh judgments some people with ADHD inflict on themselves every day:

“I have not achieved enough in life,” says one 43-year-old professional who enjoys a high income and is respected by his clients. “I feel I could do more. I want to paint. I want to study languages. I don’t want to watch junk TV any more. I want to stop binge eating.”
“I feel so dumb. I can never keep up with discussions,” says Debra, a woman in her early fifties with a B.S. in zoology. “People talk about politics and current affairs, and I have no head for those things. I try to remember facts and names from the newspaper, but they don’t stick. I tune out when people talk to me.”
Andrea, a 50-year-old woman diagnosed with ADHD, is eager to talk about her talents and strengths, but concludes: “But those things come easy to me. That’s just who I am. I didn’t have to work at them much. I mean, I’m not an accountant or a lawyer. That would really mean something to me.”

The habit of being self-critical often starts in childhood. A child with ADHD sees his parents’ and teachers’ displeasure with him, and he doesn’t feel good enough. The child spends his early years trying to please, and, independent of others’ opinions, begins judging himself harshly. Sadly, a three-year-old told me that he must be “bad” because people yelled at him all day long. Seven- and eight-year-olds routinely tell me they are “stupid,” “different,” or “a total failure.” By the teen years, some kids continue to work hard for acceptance from teachers and parents, but others give up and feel that they will always be failures.

[Free Download: Your Guide to All the Best Parts of ADHD]

If you dwell on your shortcomings, I have a secret for you. Everyone has deficiencies, and no one is perfect. Self-esteem and feeling “good enough” do not come from things you have done. You are good enough, whether or not you have achieved anything. So how does an adult with ADHD change not good enough to good enough?

Uncover your strengths. You may have spent so much time focusing on your weaknesses and your disabilities that you don’t think about your strengths. Make a list of your natural talents, skills, and abilities. These may include the easy way you talk with people, your sense of humor or way of telling a story, your honesty, or your ability to be a team player. I worked with a woman with ADHD who had lost several jobs because she was always late. After attending a yoga retreat weekend, she loved it so much that she decided to train to be a yoga instructor. She started a yoga practice in her home, which has taken off. She has never been happier or more confident.
Do some skill-building. You can acquire and build skills. Don’t give up on something you love because you don’t excel at it now. Get the instruction or practice to turn skills into strengths. I know a man with ADHD who had such difficulty with spelling and handwriting that he abandoned his goal of creative writing. New technology — grammar and spell-checkers, and speech-to-text software — enabled him to achieve his dream. His love of asking questions and telling a story, combined with his need for stimulation, allowed him to successfully pursue a career in journalism in his later years.
Just say no. It is hard enough having ADHD without being surrounded by family and friends who blame you for your problems. Seek out people who appreciate your qualities and are supportive of you. Start by making an unbiased assessment of the people whose messages are negative and destructive, and either educate them about ADHD or reduce your contact with them. If your mother still expects you to be more like your sister, or your brother puts you down when he calls, stop taking their calls! While you may not be able to “divorce” your family, you can limit the amount of time you spend together. Being around people who appreciate you will allow you to think more highly of yourself and clear the way to happiness and success.

[Simplify Your ADHD Life by Learning to Say “No”]

If you are always taking on projects or responsibilities that you don’t have time to complete, ask yourself: Is it because you worry that if you say “no,” someone won’t like you or will be disappointed? Maté writes about Catherine, a 43-year-old high school teacher, who says: “I don’t know how to say ‘no.’ I’m always worried about what the other person is feeling. I don’t know why. I guess it’s my second nature.” Healthy self-esteem means being able to say no.

Measure yourself by your own standards. True self-esteem is independent of others’ opinions. Achieving this may entail working with a mental health professional to rewrite the scripts that have played in your head for a long time. Stop defining yourself by your ADHD — “I’m never on time!” or “I’m such a spaz!” or “I always knew I was different!” — or your past failures (“I’m not smart” or “Nobody wants to be with me.”). You have ADHD, but it doesn’t have you. Your disorder is only a part of who you are. Learn to celebrate the other parts of yourself and give yourself permission to feel “good enough”!

[“Perfect Is a Myth” — and Other Self-Esteem Boosters]

“When Time Isn’t On Your Side”

GUEST BLOGS

“When Time Isn’t On Your Side”

I’d feel guilty about being late — but frankly, I don’t have time.

BY DREW DAKESSIAN

You know that song “Time is on my side”? I’d bet you a million bucks the writer didn’t have ADHD. After all, people with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder are often — OK, fine, usually — late. I know I am. Recently I learned there’s a neurological explanation for this: People with ADHD function on a different timetable. In other words, we experience time differently.

In this ADDitude article, Ari Tuckman notes that for people with ADHD, “It’s difficult… to plan for the future because they don’t see the future as clearly as do their peers.” Likewise, writes the psychologist and ADHD specialist, “Because everyone — not just those with ADHD — feels the present more strongly, it’s difficult to do challenging things now that won’t have an immediate positive impact.”

I don’t believe those of us with ADHD are entirely at fault here.

To feminist philosopher Alison Kafer, the concept of “being on time” isn’t innate; instead, it’s something society has created. What if we ceased to place such a high value on punctuality, she muses. What if we stopped penalizing people for being late, and viewed such punishment as ableist?

[Free Download: Better Time Management with Adult ADHD]

Naturally, as someone with chronic ADHD, this intrigued me. But my boyfriend, who is neurotypical, just could not wrap his mind around the idea that our social mores exist outside us, meaning that they could be changed to be more inclusive of people with disabilities (PWD). Now, he is a scientist; abstract thinking has never exactly been my boyfriend’s forte. And yet, in this case, I think it’s just impossible for neurotypical people, much as they may love us, to understand how far removed their world is from ours — or, for that matter, that theirworld isn’t the only world.

Punctuality can be a struggle for all PWD: a need for “extra time,” according to Kafer, might result from a slower gait, a dependency on attendants (who might themselves be running late), malfunctioning equipment (from wheelchairs to hearing aids), a bus driver who refuses to stop for a disabled passenger, or an ableist encounter with a stranger that throws one off schedule.

People with ADHD practically invented the concept of needing extra time; from the day of our diagnosis, we know we are destined to forever be at odds with time. Think about it: The longest-acting CNS stimulant medication is said to last 12 hours; but many people, from attorneys to high-school students, work far more hours a day than that — often well into the night. And even so-called regular people, who only work in a professional sense eight hours a day, are born with the ability to concentrate and be at least slightly productive the moment they get out of bed in the morning and only resting their brains after they get back in at night.

[Overbooked? Rushed? Tired? 10 Ways to End All That]

It’s not like that for us ADHD people. The simple fact is that it’s impossible to have an average life if you have less than the average amount of time. And not having enough time is ADHD 101.

I used to apologize anytime I was even the slightest bit tardy to an appointment or late on an assignment. Now, I’m trying something new. As I near my 28th birthday, I remind myself that life is short; the time in which we actively live, even more so; and for people like me, with only 12 hours of each day at our disposal, time is the most fleeting — and the most precious — thing of all.

So I would feel guilty at my lateness, but frankly, I just don’t have the time.

“I’m Not Hiding My ADHD Anymore”

TALKING ABOUT ADHD

“I’m Not Hiding My ADHD Anymore”

I have a brain difference, and I’m not ashamed. I’d rather be known for what I actually am — as the woman with ADHD, fidget spinner and all — than as the dumb blonde of my childhood.

BY ELIZABETH BROADBENT

Flashlights shining a light on the reality of living with ADHD

I finally got sick of the stares. I got sick of the eyerolls. I got sick of the sighs, the glances, the shouldn’t-she-know-better looks. I had long ago accepted them as part of my life as an adult with attention deficit disorder (ADHD or ADD). My mind doesn’t work the way that regular people’s do. I’m too busy thinking to remember my kid’s backpack. If my phone whirs, I’m too easily sucked in to have a conversation. Don’t bother telling me your name, or your kids’ names, or their ages, or where you live, because I will forget as soon as you walk away. I talk too loud. I forget appointments unless they are written down in my planner and triple-checked the day before.

Living with My ADHD

This is OK. It causes some hiccups in life, but I’ve learned to compensate. What I’ve never learned to deal with, though, from the time I was an undiagnosed kid, were other people’s reactions to my ADHD. They’re dismissive. Derisive. They think I’m stupid or, worse, incompetent. I can still hear the chorus of “Lizzie is a dumb blonde.” If you don’t know that I have adult ADHD, I look like a walking stereotype: a space cadet, an uncaring idiot, a phone-obsessed Millennial. ADHD means compensating for so many things.

If I had a visible disability, everyone would understand that I need some space, some slack, some grace. It’s hard for me to make friends, and when I do, my friends often joke about my problems. You’d never joke about a person with another kind of brain difference. But other issues have pretty ribbons. Instead of a bumper sticker, I have what looks like a kid’s disorder — something kids grow out of. They don’t know about adult ADHD. And, I realized, they don’t know that I have it.

[9 Reasons I Waited So Long to Get Help]

So I decided to stop hiding it. ADHD is a disability, a brain difference — an invisible one. If I want the accommodations I need, I have to reach out and get them myself. When we send our kids to college, we tell them to be proactive in seeking out help. “They can’t help you if they don’t know you need it!” we say. I needed to take that advice myself.

So I didn’t hide it when I met my co-teacher in our homeschool co-op. I told her that I had ADHD, and it would be hard for me to remember the kids’ names. They would need name-tags for several weeks. I also said that she had to watch out for me hyperfocusing on art projects or the Play-Doh. She laughed. I told her that I wasn’t joking. She said she’d be glad to help.

Later, while hanging out with a friend, my phone pinged to announce a work email. I quickly set to typing. Then, because it’s so hard to put my phone down once I pick it up, I flipped over to Facebook. I love Facebook. Love it like a drug, like something mainlined. The flickering posts, the call and response that others call information overload — they relax me. I realized what I was doing and stopped. I set my phone down, difficult as it was. “I’m so sorry,” I said. “I fell into Facebook. My ADHD means that once I get onto my phone, it’s hard to put it down. I promise I’m not trying to be rude. It’s a brain difference thing.” She smiled and nodded. What could have become a resentful encounter became a chance for her to get to know me better.

“Stop!” I said to another friend, who was yammering away about my pet-sitting for her. “I don’t have my planner with me. I have to write this down in my planner, or I won’t remember.” She started to giggle. “One of those with the planners, huh?” she said. “I used to be like that.” I shook my head. “No,” I said. “I have ADHD. Without the planner, I don’t know where I have to be when. I don’t remember some things as well as regular people.” She nodded, suddenly understanding.

[So This Is What “Normal” Feels Like?]

Then there’s the fidget spinner. Like many 10-year-old boys, I have a fidget spinner. However, unlike them, I use it for its original purpose: therapy. When I sit at the park and play with my spinner, I watch my kids and interact with them, instead of pulling out my phone or picking at my cuticles. It’s been a godsend for me. But I’ve caught other moms looking askance. One made a comment. “Borrowed that from your son, huh?” she snarked. “No,” I said. “I have ADHD. This helps me focus and keeps me from getting out my phone. You know, they were designed for people with anxiety and ADHD.” She was mortified that she’d joked about something that helps with my brain difference. “I’m so, so, so sorry,” she said.

“I Have a Brain Difference”

I have started telling people about my brain difference as soon as we’re introduced. “I have ADHD,” I say. “So it’s really, really hard for me to remember your name. I’ll ask you several times. Please don’t take it personally. It’s just the way my brain is wired.” I’ve found that when I state it plainly, people are glad to help me. I’m not asking for an excuse; I’m asking for help with something I have trouble doing on my own.

Telling everyone means I have more leeway to seem “different” as I compensate. I whip out my planner to write down information, and no one thinks it’s strange. When I forget to pack something vital for lunch — a trash bag, napkins — another mom steps in with a smile instead of an eyeroll and a comment about my forgetting something once again. I’m comfortable saying, “I’m sorry, I’m blanking on your name. Please remind me, and I’ll try my best to remember this time.”

My frankness trickles down to my kids. If I’m not ashamed of my brain difference, they won’t be ashamed of theirs. I can buy my seven-year-old a planner, and he uses it to write lists. Lists to check off before he leaves the house, lists to check off before he leaves his classroom. Other kids don’t have them, but he’s OK saying that it helps him work with his ADHD.

[Free Resource: The All-Time Best Books on ADHD]

I got sick of hiding. I’d rather be known as the woman with ADHD than as the dumb blonde of my childhood. I started telling everyone and anyone, letting the secret out. If you need help, you have to speak up. If you don’t like the way people perceive you, give them a reason to see otherwise. I’ve even made a few friends this way. And those friends don’t make a peep when my fidget spinner comes out — even if their 10-year-olds swarm around me to compare toys.